Love is…Meeting Each Other’s Needs
Lori was on the phone to her mother, Rachel. “But Andy should know exactly what I need, because he loves me!”
Rachel was quiet for a moment. Then she said, “When Tyrell cries, do you always know what he needs?”
“No, of course not, but he’s just a baby!”
“Maybe, but you love him, so doesn’t that mean you know exactly what he needs all the time?”
Lori thought for a moment. “OK…I get what you’re saying!” Rachel could sense the unseen smile on Lori’s face as she realized her expectations were unrealistic.
“It would really help if Tyrell could tell me what he needed! My life would be so much easier! Maybe it would help if I explained to Andy what I need from him… And maybe I should ask him what he needs from me?”
Believing that those who love us will automatically know what we need and be able to provide it for us whenever we want it, is completely unrealistic. The more intimately we know each other, the more we may understand each other’s needs. But it’s much more effective if we can talk to each other about our needs and discover the best ways to meet them.
Unravelling muddled misunderstandings
Understanding what love is really all about was a bit of a mystery during the first few years of our marriage. We loved each other, and we tried to care for each other, but we’d often mess up, or find ourselves in a muddle of misunderstandings and disappointed expectations.
So, it was a great relief to us when we met Dr David Ferguson from Intimate Life Ministries, and his wife, Teresa, who taught us about relational needs. They gave us a whole new way of looking at our relationship and talking about how we could love each other in deeper and more practical ways. This perspective has also helped us in our relationships with our children, our colleagues, our church members and even the strangers we meet in the street!
…there are at least ten important relationship instructions that Paul mentions in the New Testament.
The Fergusons explained that, just as there are ten important life commandments in Exodus 20, there are at least ten important relationship instructions that Paul mentions in the New Testament. But unfortunately, he didn’t put them all in one chapter and explain how important they were for strengthening our relationships! If we re-described Paul’s instructions as relational needs that we all have to some degree, we could name them as needs for Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort, Encouragement, Respect, Security and Support. We find these described in different ways in different Bibles and languages, but they are all vital for building strong and healthy relationships. Ellen White also describes these needs and stressed their importance in creating an attractive atmosphere of love and happiness.
When we feel safe, respected, and loved, we usually feel freer to talk and develop spiritually.
These relational needs are also relationship-strengtheners – different actions that help us to feel loved. Without these basic building blocks in a relationship, we can soon feel unloved, unappreciated, and uncared for. When we feel safe, respected, and loved, we usually feel much freer to talk about the things that we really need to talk about as a couple, and even freer to develop spiritually, as we understand more about the way God meets our relational and spiritual needs.
Insights in the kitchen…
One day, before we understood the concept of relational needs, I was cooking alone in the kitchen. I was feeling emotionally out of sorts after a difficult day. I wanted Bernie to ‘connect’ with me, but I wasn’t sure what I needed, or how to ask for it. So, I was grumpy and miserable, and as I cooked I banged the pots and pans and cupboard doors and didn’t care how much noise I made. Bernie heard me crashing around and decided, understandably, that it was better to leave me alone! Of course, that didn’t help because what I really needed was Bernie!
A few weeks after learning about relational needs I was in the kitchen again, feeling tired and discouraged. As I stood at the sink I ran through the list of relational needs, wondering which ones I needed the most. I felt as if I needed all of them, but the ones I needed most were support, encouragement, and comfort. Put into practical terms, I needed Bernie to come and make supper with me, talk together about how our day had been, say one encouraging thing and give me a hug.
Bernie was also looking out for my relational needs. When he heard me struggling in the kitchen, he realized that I probably needed support, so he came and made a salad. As we chatted together, I was able to tell him that I needed some encouragement, and I asked him for a hug. When Bernie talked about his day, it sounded as if he needed some comfort too. He’d been on a difficult committee, so he needed the comfort of a shoulder rub, a refreshing walk together, and some chamomile tea.
Instead, we ask ourselves the question, “Which relational needs aren’t being met, and what can I do to meet them?”
A good question…
These days, when either of us behaves in an unexpected or frustrated way, we no longer think our spouse is over-reacting. Instead, we ask ourselves the question, “Which relational needs aren’t being met, and what can I do to meet them?” It also works well with our children and with our church members. I realize that when my colleague seems angry, he might really be feeling unsafe or disrespected in some way, and when my friend sounds discouraged, she might need some support as well as encouragement.
Why is ‘relational need-meeting’ important?
Three barriers to meeting each other’s needs
Ideally, we learn how to recognize our own needs and we discover the best ways to ask each other to meet those needs if they haven’t been aware of them. We can also learn how to discover what our partners need and how to ask them what we can do to help.
But there are three unhelpful and unhealthy barriers to meeting each other’s needs:
If other people don’t meet our needs, we soon become self-sufficient. “Well, if no-one’s going to meet my needs, I’ll just do it myself!” But in the world of relationships, this doesn’t work very well. Try comforting yourself when you need a hug, or paying attention to yourself, or helping yourself feel secure… These are all hollow experiences when our needs aren’t being met by other caring human beings.
The danger for ministry marriages
Ministry couples often find themselves in relational tangles, or in a hurtful experience of aloneness. Ministers can easily and unintentionally give the message that their work is super-important because it’s God’s work and everything else in the home and family is less important. This can leave the minister’s wife feeling hurt and insignificant because she must put her needs lower than her husband’s needs. Everyone in the congregation seems to be more important than she is. Everyone else’s needs are greater than hers. Eventually she feels lonely, overwhelmed, and uncared for because she does have needs that do need to be met by others for her own relational, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Neglecting the importance of each other’s relational needs can quickly damage a marriage.
Our top ten relational needs
So, what are some of these relational needs? Here’s what the Bible and Adventist Home have to say:
Acceptance – willingly and warmly welcoming a person who has made a mistake.
Affection – expressing care through warm and gentle touching.
Appreciation – expressing thanks or praise to each other.
Approval – blessing, building up, or affirming each other.
Attention – being interested in each other and focussing on each other.
Comfort – responding sensitively to each other’s pain with words, feelings, and touch.
Encouragement – helping each other to persevere towards their goals.
Respect – valuing each other highly.
Security – enabling each other to feel peaceful and safe in the relationship.
Support – coming alongside and helping each other.
Asking your spouse to meet your needs
Attention
I’d really like you to come for a walk with me, even though I know you have other things to do.
Respect
Please let me tell you some of my thoughts and ideas.
Acceptance
I need to know that you still care about me, even when I get things wrong and make mistakes.
Affection
Please can I have a hug?
Encouragement
I feel as if this job is taking forever! Your encouragement would mean so much to me!
Appreciation
I washed your car for you because I know you like to drive a clean car.
Support
Please can you help me for a few minutes?
Comfort
I’m feeling really sad. Can you just hold me for a while?
Security
Can I trust you not to tell anyone?
Approval
Tell me three reasons why you’re glad you married me!
Offering to meet your spouse’s needs
Attention
I want to spend time with you, doing whatever you’d like to do.
Respect
I really value your opinions and ideas.
Acceptance
It doesn’t matter that you made a mistake. It’s only human! Nothing you could do would ever stop me caring for you!
Affection
What can I do to help you feel especially loved?
Encouragement
I know it’s hard work, but you’re doing such a great job! I’m so proud of you!
Appreciation
Thank you for washing my car and filling it up with petrol!
Support
What’s the best thing I could do to help you right now?
Comfort
I can see how upset you are. What can I do to comfort you?
Security
You can trust me. I won’t let you down.
Approval
I’m so glad I married you! I couldn’t have a better husband/wife!
Things to talk about together:
—By Karen Holford, Director, Family Ministries, Trans-European Division
For further information read:
Never Alone, by David and Teresa Ferguson
Never Alone Devotions for Couples, by David and Teresa Ferguson
First published in The Journal, First Quarter, 2012, Ministerial Spouses Association, General Conference Ministerial Association. Used with permission.
Images: AI-generated, Freepik
